too much to wear on your sleeves
by falafel90
Summary: She wonders if there will ever be a time when her wounds will start to heal. She starts to believe they'll just become scars instead.


When she gets off the train and steps out onto the platform, the pain in her heart eases a little. But only slightly. Looking around, she feels at home amongst the ads for musicals and the rush of the people in and out of the station. It's not until she's on the street with her little pink suitcase that she begins to realize that a city-_the_ city-will never feel as much like home as Finn's arms do. Before she realizes it, she feels herself crying again.

Is she allowed to call him? She doesn't know. She doesn't even know if they're broken up for good, or still engaged and just-_paused_ for the moment, while they both do their own thing for a while. She's guessing she's not supposed to phone him, or text him, or-or anything. But she's not only lost her boyfriend, her fiancé, she's lost her best friend. She calls him anyway.

He doesn't answer.

Suddenly, she's sobbing, in her Jackie O. hat and her heels and her prim-and-proper red pea coat. She can't help it.

"Why? Why, Finn?" is all that she manages to utter before she realizes she's made a big mistake by calling.

Her heart hurts more than it ever has. There's an ache in her chest that she's not sure will ever go away.

She keeps walking, trying to stop the tears from pouring down her face.

:::

He calls her back later that day. "I just wanted to make sure you're okay," he says quietly.

"I'm sorry, Finn. I shouldn't have called. You should go," she says. She's in her pajamas, her face red and puffy, sitting in the bathtub, away from the prying eyes and ears of her fathers.

"But are you okay?" His voice is weak.

"You should go," she repeats. He takes the hint.

"Then I'll just…" he hesitates a moment. "I love-"

Rachel interrupts him before he can finish. "Please, don't. You'll only make it harder, Finn." She wipes her nose on her sleeve.

"I'll just go then," he whispers. She can hear the pain in his voice and she wants to heal him.

"Yeah. Goodbye, Finn."

"Goodbye, Rachel."

She listens to the dial tone for two minutes after he's gone.

:::

After three days of touring NYADA, she and her fathers fly back to Lima. She can hear them muttering to each other about how they thought she'd be more excited, that it should've cheered her up. She's not sure there's much that will.

Kurt visits her after a couple of days of her being home. She has to hold back on asking all of the questions that are plaguing her-but one slips by.

"How is he?"

"He's a wreck."

She hates that, but she would be lying if she didn't admit that it made her feel a tiny bit better. If he's a wreck, he still loves her. He still loves her.

Kurt confesses that he secretly applied to the New School for fashion design back in December, in case NYADA didn't work out.

"I got in months ago. I was just holding out for NYADA…but maybe this is fate. Maybe I'll be the next Marc Jacobs," he sighs out. Rachel smiles, a real smile, for the first time in days.

"At least you'll be with me," she whispers. The weight of those words sink in and she gulps back her tears.

"Just keep breathing," Kurt mumbles, bruising her bangs out of her face.

:::

Every night, before she falls asleep, she hugs her pillow close to her and weeps unabashedly. She knows it's childish, to cry like this, the kind of crying that hurts your insides, but she doesn't care. All she cares about is Finn-_New York_, she thinks, _can't even compete_. _New York_, she thinks, _can't love me back_.

:::

She has an off day three weeks later and without thinking, she texts him. "I miss you," the message reads, and she's not sure whether to be thankful or heartbroken when he responds, "I miss you too."

:::

Kurt accidentally lets it slip that Finn's not planning on enlisting. "He's only going down to Georgia so that he can redeem his father. I think-I think he just didn't want to hold you back."

Fury rages through her veins and she stomps down the stairs in her bathrobe and fuzzy slippers, a messy bun atop her head, and gets into the car. Kurt rushes after her, and before she can start the car, he sits in the passenger's seat and talks her out of going to his house.

She cries, leaning against the steering wheel. She wonders if there will ever be a time when her wounds will start to heal. She starts to believe they'll just become scars instead.

:::

As school approaches, she's really not sure how Finn expects her to do better without him. She wants to focus, to practice her singing, but her voice isn't as full, isn't as strong, without him.

When she sings _Defying Gravity_, she misses the high F. Not just once, three times.

It's then she realizes that she can't do this to herself. She can't let herself fall.

:::

She begins to move on once she's in school. She is no longer stifled by the memories left in Lima, the memories that her room holds, the hurt that hangs in the air everywhere she goes. And she's not about to give up on her dream. She's Rachel Berry after all. There's a reason, even still, she puts a star next to her name.

The metaphor hasn't left her, even if the drive has.

She's lonely most of the time, but with Kurt living with her, he manages to keep a smile on her face.

She's able to pretend she's happy, and she's convinced that's the first step towards moving on.

Sometimes, when Kurt misses Blaine, they lay in her bed together, silent, and hold hands until they both fall asleep.

:::

Finn shows up on their doorstep in November. Kurt tries to hide him from her.

"Do you have a guy in there, Kurt?" she teases. "I heard you talking to someone last night when I got back from rehearsal…did Blaine fly out for you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kurt says. When he walks into the kitchen to get himself a glass of cucumber water, Rachel peeks into his bedroom.

She would know those feet anywhere. With tears streaming down her face, she stumbles over to Kurt and slaps him hard. She wishes she could take satisfaction in the red handprint forming on his face, but she can't. She can barely breathe.

"How could you?" she whispers.

"He wanted to see you," Kurt mumbles, cringing, holding his face. "I told him he had to take a flight back today…that it wasn't fair to you to show up here, unannounced, when you're finally getting over him. I swear, Rachel, I didn't know." He takes her hand and squeezes it.

Her breathing is staggered and her bottom lip quivers, but only slightly.

"Of course you didn't," she mumbles in a small voice.

"Really," Kurt says. She nods.

"I don't want to see him yet, I can't," she says after a moment. She looks up at Kurt with glassy eyes. "Just let me peek into the room again...and-and get a good look at him. And then I'll head over to a practice room and just-just get him out of here," she says.

He nods. She walks back over to Kurt's room again and pushes the door open a little wider.

It hurts more than it helps, gazing at him, but she still wants him. She still needs him.

"Just tell him-tell him-tell him that I'll see him soon, will you?" she says to Kurt as she stares at Finn. "Tell him-just tell him that I love him."

:::

He calls her before he leaves; she doesn't pick up. So he leaves a message.

"I'll love you forever."

Then a _click_.

That's all. Nothing else.

Just when she is starting to get over him, just when-she knows she's lying to herself, but it's all she can do.

For the first time, she doesn't sob after hearing his voice, though. Her heart, she thinks, will never stop beating for him, but maybe she can start living her life despite that.

:::

Kurt and Blaine break up exactly three days later.

"I thought I loved him," he says to Rachel quietly as he snuggles up to her, laying beside her in her bed. "I'm not sure I know what love is."

"Why did you two break up?"

"I wasn't sure anymore. I just wasn't sure." He pauses and Rachel can tell he's holding back.

She thinks about her relationship with Finn.

"I used to think that you could never be sure," Rachel says. "But you can be. You know when a person's right. If you're not sure about Blaine, then you made the right decision."

"I think he's crushed."

"I know the feeling."

Kurt kisses her forehead. "Do you think we're going to be okay?"

Rachel nods. "I think so. One day."

"The reason I broke up with Blaine, Rachel," he mumbles, avoiding her gaze, "is because I saw the look in Finn's eyes when he came here." He looks back up at her. "I think you have to talk to him. Not now, but soon. When you're ready."

:::

She lays awake thinking. She tries to understand. She tries to understand why Finn would break up with her-why he'd do that if he was sure.

He told her to leave it up to the universe. To surrender.

You don't break up with someone you're in love with; you work it out, you maintain a long distance relationship, you _defer_ college a year to help them get into their dream school. You do whatever you can. You do whatever you can to help them.

You don't leave them in the big city, alone and heartbroken and miserable.

She knows he didn't see it like that. But for the longest time, she begins to realize, she did. She thinks she might even still.

Thinking back to the day he dropped her off at the train station, Rachel remembers the pain that filled her body, the pain that replaced the water she was losing in the amount of tears she shed.

But he loved her. But he loved her so much he couldn't let her lose what had been her biggest dream.

And from the looks of her conversation with Kurt, he still loves her.

She's not sure if her heart can take anymore, though. The shattered pieces are scotch-taped together, bruised and beaten, worn.

She needs time.

:::

Kurt offers to set her up, but each time, she refuses.

"If you won't talk to Finn, you should at least have some fun."

She doesn't need fun, she tells him. She needs to keep practicing her arias, rehearsing the choreography for _Millie_, and healing her heart.

"It still hurts, Kurt." Her voice wavers, and he nods. She can see a hint of pity in his eyes.

"I know," he says faintly. "So come out with me then."

She smiles, but it's forced. It's the best she can do.

:::

Christmas comes and Kurt drags her home.

"Your dads want to see you-they've called four times this weekend, and honestly, I'd love to ring in the New Year with my best girl by my side."

They take Kurt's car, and it's cramped, but they blast show tunes the whole way back to Lima, and Rachel has more fun than she ever could have hoped.

When she belts _Anything Goes_, Kurt glances at her and says, "There's a reason you got into NYADA and I didn't."

She thinks that maybe her voice is finally back to what it was before she and Finn broke up. She smiles.

:::

For New Year's, Kurt invites her over to his house.

"Finn will be there, but before you say no, he really wants to see you. The other night, after I made him a glass of warm milk, he admitted that he..." he pauses, and then: "Just come over."

"I don't know."

"At any point, if you feel uncomfortable, we can hide away in my room and watch Katy Perry ruin her own songs while the ball drops." She giggles.

She can practically hear his smile over the phone.

"I'll take that as a yes. No backsies!" He hangs up before she can say a word.

:::

When she rings the doorbell, she considers running. Before she can, the door swings open.

"Rachel," Finn says. For a short moment, time stops. Rachel takes him in. His eyes glow with surprise, gleam with hope. Her eyes travel down to his lips, which are open just slightly, the corners of his mouth upturned in a small smile. Something-everything-inside her flutters for an instant.

"Finn," she mutters, looking away uncomfortably. He lets her in, Kurt rescues her within seconds.

She glances back at him, hoping her eyes don't show what his do.

:::

"Can I talk to you?" he asks, just before midnight. _11:23_, to be exact. She hopes she has enough time to avoid a kiss. At the same time, she hopes she doesn't have enough time to bolt, that his lips will meet hers again.

"Yeah," she mumbles. She puts her apple cider down on the counter and follows him into the empty kitchen. He sits at the kitchen table and she follows suit, gazing intently at her cuticles.

After a minute, Finn begins.

"I miss you." Rachel knows it's not as simple as his statement makes it seem.

When she doesn't respond, he tries again, "I want to at least be friends." His voice is quiet, shy.

"No," she says calmly. "I can't do that." She finally meets his gaze and she immediately wishes she hadn't.

"Why?" he asks.

"I'm still broken, Finn," she whispers. "Or maybe broken is the wrong word," she rectifies after a couple of silent minutes. "I'm hollow. I function, but there's nothing inside of me."

"And I did that?" Finn's voice cracks.

"I don't know. The break-up, did, yeah."

"How can I fix it? How I can I fix you?"

"I don't know that I will ever be 'fixed,' Finn, but this conversation is...headed in a direction I hoped it wouldn't. Maybe I should go."

Finn nods, tears falling freely.

"I just need to know one thing. Why? Why did you do that to me?" Rachel's voice is low, dark, sad.

He sighs. It takes him minutes to formulate an answer.

"I just...thought it was best. I thought I was saving you."

"I didn't need saving."

"I thought you did."

"I needed you."

"And I needed to see to it that you weren't stuck with me in Lima for the rest of your life."

:::

Kurt's the one to kiss her at midnight. When Burt grabs Carole and pulls her into a spine-shivering smooch, Kurt plants one on her, complete with tongue. She's not sure what he's thinking, but she hasn't been kissed since Finn saw her to the train station, so she kisses him back.

She giggles, pulling away, and Kurt wipes at his mouth with his sleeve (an act he wouldn't dare do sober).

"What was that for?" Finn intervenes, his eyebrows furrowed.

Kurt wraps his arms around Rachel and laughs. "I have no idea."

Rachel smiles at Kurt, but it's fake; when she sees the jealousy in Finn's eyes, she can't enjoy the silliness of Kurt's drunken escapades.

"Now if I can only find a boy who'd be willing," Kurt says, winking at Finn.

:::

In the spring, she goes on a date, but it hurts too much. Halfway through the off-Broadway play he takes her to see, she pretends to scurry to the bathroom. She actually scurries home in tears.

"He looked too much like Finn," Rachel says, crying to Kurt that night, laying on the couch, her head in his lap.

"I saw him, Rach, he had blonde hair. He looked nothing like Finn."

"He was tall," she says weakly. "He was tall and-and had a-a nose like his."

"Everyone's taller than you, babe," Kurt says, "you're going to have to get over that. And I'm pretty sure everyone has a nose."

"Voldemort doesn't," she sobs out.

"So go date that hottie. You'll really score a gentleman with him."

"Don't mock me."

"Don't give me a reason to."

He finally gets her to smile.

:::

Finn moves into an apartment seven blocks away from them two weeks later.

"He says he's always had it planned, Rachel. He knew in December where he was going to be renting," Kurt says when he tells her. "And to be honest, I believe him."

She's not mad, she's hurt though, that he didn't call her. That he didn't tell her on New Year's.

"You told him not to."

"Did I?"

"If you didn't, you gave him that impression."

"Oh."

Kurt hugs her as they lay together in her bed. "He just wants to be worthy of you," he tells her.

"He was always worthy of me."

"He doesn't see it that way. He needed to make it here on his own."

"What's he going to do here?"

"He saved up enough money to move here by working at Burt's shop. He says he's starting training to be a firefighter in three weeks. And until he's certified, he's working for a mechanic in Brooklyn."

"I think he'll like that."

"Me, too, hon."

:::

Rachel earns a supporting role in spring musical for NYADA. Despite her mediocre fall semester, she's managed to make a comeback. To earn a part outside of the chorus as a freshman is significant and she couldn't be more proud of herself.

She's got everything she wanted at this time last year.

Almost.

She still hasn't gone to see Finn. (Will it ever stop _hurting_?)

Kurt says his place is the ultimate bachelor pad, a studio with a mattress, a television set, and three cases of red bull, but she's still dying to see it.

To see him.

She doesn't let herself just yet, though. She's finally made something of herself in New York and she's not ready to fall again. To fall for him again.

:::

He comes to the opening night of her musical. It's no surprise to her that he's never heard of it; _Thoroughly Modern Millie_ isn't exactly famous throughout popular culture. But he comes anyway, with Kurt, front row center-how did they manage _that_?-and he stands and claps for her after every song, even when the people around him glare.

When Kurt meets her after the show, he tags along, pink roses in hand.

"Brilliant," Kurt says when he hugs her.

"You," Finn mumbles, scratching his neck, "you were perfection."

"Thank you." He hands her the flowers and she blushes.

"Do you want to get something to eat? You must be starving," he asks. His voice is hesitant and Rachel shakes her head.

"Kurt'll come, it's a friendly thing, I swear," Finn says, holding up his hands in an attempt to prove his innocence.

"No, it's not that," she says, sighing. "Cast dinner. To celebrate our opening night."

"Oh," Finn says. "That makes sense-I should've-"

"But tomorrow night?" Her voice is anxious, and as the words tumble out of her mouth, she's not sure what she's doing because her heart still aches, even as she speaks, but she can't stop herself.

"I can't come tomorrow, Rach," Kurt says, "I have a date with this hot-" she interrupts him.

"Finn? Do you want to go out to eat tomorrow night? After the show?" She's worried she sounds desperate, pathetic, and when he pauses, she realizes just how much she's put her heart on the line. Even if it's nothing more than a dinner.

"Yes," Finn says, his eyes wide, "yes, of course. I'll meet you here tomorrow again...I've got tickets for every performance this week." Finn blushes.

"You're-that's-wonderful."

"Yeah," Finn says.

Rachel's heart expands. Her breath catches in her throat. She's finally surrendering.


End file.
